Chapter Five

My last post seemed to go so well, don’t you think? So I am completely bleary eyed and dysfunctional once again, and I whim to write a new post. This may become a habit, whatever.

I was in a bar the other day. Except it wasn’t a bar, it was the closet in my room. But for argument’s sake, let’s suppose it was a bar. This is completely ridiculous you might say, there’s nothing the same about a bar and your closet. Well, allow me to inform you that there is a small blue elephant. There is a small blue elephant on the table in front of me. He is my friend. He is about three inches tall. He doesn’t have any higgs bosons, so he doesn’t crash through the table, because elephants are heavy. If you decide to sit on the table, please don’t sit on him, because then you would crush him and that would be mean. Also, he’s my friend, so I would be sad. I just thought I’d let you know.

Anyway, I was in this bar, and the waitress came up to me to ask me if I wanted anything. I couldn’t help looking at her legs; she was a giraffe, you see, and I could only see her legs. Now reader, you may interject and say “this is insane” or “this man is a fucking loony.” Now, I am not a loony, I was in a bar the other day, and the very nice giraffe waitress came to talk to me. Please try to calm yourself down.

I asked the waitress for some tea, and she said that wouldn’t be a problem. I had to go to the bathroom, so I went. When I got back, my tea was sitting on the table. I was very happy, because I hadn’t had anything to drink since dinner yesterday, I realized, and so I took a sip. I had to stop though, because a thought had just occurred to me: how did a giraffe bring me a cup of tea. Even if she had hands, it would be a long way down to the table. So I got up and asked her, “Ma’am, how did you manage to bring out my tea?”

“Would you like me to show you?” she asked

“Very much so,” I answered. Just at that moment, I was taken with an unarguable urge to use the restroom, and I went. When I came back, there was a second cup of tea sitting on my table. I started at it for a moment. Then I decided this must be some kind of sorcery, so I sat down to enjoy my tea.

About half way through my second cup, it dawned upon me that if this was indeed some kind of sorcery, there might very well be poison in my tea, for just the other day I was playing Fire Emblem Tactics when I was attacked by a black mage, a red mage, and a ninja. At this point, I started to choke. But it wasn’t the poison, I wasn’t sure if there actually was any poison yet, so it couldn’t be the poison. I was choking because there wasn’t enough oxygen.

A young woman had just walked into the bar, and it looked like she had just been dumped. She was crying and hyperventilating and using up all the oxygen in the bar. The giraffe waitress was fine, because her head was so high, she had plenty of oxygen, but my small blue elephant friend started to not look so well, and a few of the other customers had started to pass out, so the manager had to throw the young woman out. It was a shame though, she looked very sad and she probably didn’t know that someone had drawn all over her face with magic markers.

At this point, my mom burst in and told me that it wasn’t healthy to sit in closets, to turn that god-blasted music down, and to let some light into my room because it looked like a crypt. I was listening to Pearl Jam, and I was eating toast with jelly. My mom was getting ready to go out; she had on a pearl necklace. Jelly is almost like jam, it might even be a kind of jam. I don’t remember. But I laughed at this. It was pretty funny, no?

Anyway, I never got to tip the waitress because my mom took me to go to the orthodontist, which is ridiculous because I got my braces off 9 months ago.