Chapter Six

Well shit.

I've been in so many different moods in the past week, it's really not like me at all.

My first problem was one of those troll dolls that used to be so popular with little girls - not sure if they still are. It had neon green hair. Needless to say, these things would ruin everyone's day. It was that troll and a furbie. Do you get what I'm saying? Probably not, oh, probably not. How can I explain better - because there's no way I can say exactly what I mean. No, no. That would be unwise. Anyway, these two were giving me a headache. What with the neon green hair and the constant chirping.

And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I knew I had a splitting headache, and I knew that I was in a morbidly awful mood. But I couldn't put those two things together. I was getting angrier and angrier at the world. No, not the world. That would have been to easy. I can't say what I was mad at. It might have been myself, for some reason or other, but I'm not the judge for that. I'm the worst judge for that.

Then it was Thursday. Let me tell you, Thursday sucked. I can call this one on it's face - AP world history. I didn't get stressed studying for it, i started a week early and did a little at a time. It was manageable. But the test! By Jove, the test! sitting in a room for 4 hours taking a test, and then going for four hours of classes, without a break... It broke me. And I had pre-calc right after the AP. Think about that. World history and then calculus. That alone would break my mind and spill it all over the floor in its rainbows and spinney gadgets and forest noises and television programs and burnt-down wax candles and broken vases and wilting flowers and stereo systems and Pokemon paraphernalia and grass-orgy memories and butterfly stew and Saturday's dinner's recipe and that time I asked someone to mix paints for me while I worked on the scaffolding and I needed a green and he couldn't get it right and "That's not good, It has to be like... like the color when you wake up and you /know/ that you saw the meaning of life in your dreams but can't remember it." Maybe it's yellow...

Once upon a time, in a land far far away there were two oscillating lemurs named Charlie and Steve. They both had a lot of HAIR and really enjoyed eating candy corn..." To be continued.

Steve declaimed i is NOT a PILLOW! i is PLAYING PIANO!

And if that isn't enough, I had three hours of class after that.

But I got through Thursday. I got home and I played games and I went to sleep and I ignored the slightest reality of any "homework." It didn't make my mood any better. Friday I was in for a nice surprise, but it wasn't really that big a deal. Everyone else thought it was though, so I smiled and said thank you as politely as I could. It didn't affect me though. But that's a lie. It did affect me. It was exactly what I needed to get out of Thursday's soreness. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. It didn't get me out, for whatever reason. So in retrospect, I wasn't really lying. So, ha!

And then I had a pleasant encounter with Louis, my dear Louis. ~ . It turns out that despite everything I convince myself in the dead of night, Louis doesn't really hate me. And that's good. But there's still the possibility that Louis is indifferent; and that's almost worse. No, that is worse. Indifference is the biggest insult you can give. It's worse than hate. Especially between Louis and I. But Louis encountered me today, too. And there was no reason for that encounter. So maybe Louis actually isn't indifferent, as I fear. I hope.

But that's jumping around. I digress. Louis encountered me first on Friday. There really isn't any significance in that. Except that Louis is very dear. But on the topic of Louis, there was another. My Eternal Friend.

It's really quite exciting, just thinking about My Eternal Friend. I really am lucky. But you don't know anything about that. The point is that My Eternal Friend reminded me a way to escape. Fate - M.E.F., reminded me in my most dire straights, when all I knew was a Chopinian hovel - is entirely determinable. And so I was able to re-determine my fate. And I destroyed everything. Almost everything. I was capable of it, truely, I was. I must have done it too, so deep was my resolve. But I never did. And I never have. Never yet. Everything is a little beyond my reach. And so within it too. So strange, that paradox.

But that griddiness was growing inside my lungs. I could feel it. And sometimes I couldn't hold it back. I wanted to call some few and share it with them, but I didn't. And I say didn't and not haven't because it feels as if it's sliding a way. Which, I guess, everyone else will see as a good thing, but I'm going to miss it...
...
...
...
Steve thinks your stupid.

Chapter Five

My last post seemed to go so well, don’t you think? So I am completely bleary eyed and dysfunctional once again, and I whim to write a new post. This may become a habit, whatever.

I was in a bar the other day. Except it wasn’t a bar, it was the closet in my room. But for argument’s sake, let’s suppose it was a bar. This is completely ridiculous you might say, there’s nothing the same about a bar and your closet. Well, allow me to inform you that there is a small blue elephant. There is a small blue elephant on the table in front of me. He is my friend. He is about three inches tall. He doesn’t have any higgs bosons, so he doesn’t crash through the table, because elephants are heavy. If you decide to sit on the table, please don’t sit on him, because then you would crush him and that would be mean. Also, he’s my friend, so I would be sad. I just thought I’d let you know.

Anyway, I was in this bar, and the waitress came up to me to ask me if I wanted anything. I couldn’t help looking at her legs; she was a giraffe, you see, and I could only see her legs. Now reader, you may interject and say “this is insane” or “this man is a fucking loony.” Now, I am not a loony, I was in a bar the other day, and the very nice giraffe waitress came to talk to me. Please try to calm yourself down.

I asked the waitress for some tea, and she said that wouldn’t be a problem. I had to go to the bathroom, so I went. When I got back, my tea was sitting on the table. I was very happy, because I hadn’t had anything to drink since dinner yesterday, I realized, and so I took a sip. I had to stop though, because a thought had just occurred to me: how did a giraffe bring me a cup of tea. Even if she had hands, it would be a long way down to the table. So I got up and asked her, “Ma’am, how did you manage to bring out my tea?”

“Would you like me to show you?” she asked

“Very much so,” I answered. Just at that moment, I was taken with an unarguable urge to use the restroom, and I went. When I came back, there was a second cup of tea sitting on my table. I started at it for a moment. Then I decided this must be some kind of sorcery, so I sat down to enjoy my tea.

About half way through my second cup, it dawned upon me that if this was indeed some kind of sorcery, there might very well be poison in my tea, for just the other day I was playing Fire Emblem Tactics when I was attacked by a black mage, a red mage, and a ninja. At this point, I started to choke. But it wasn’t the poison, I wasn’t sure if there actually was any poison yet, so it couldn’t be the poison. I was choking because there wasn’t enough oxygen.

A young woman had just walked into the bar, and it looked like she had just been dumped. She was crying and hyperventilating and using up all the oxygen in the bar. The giraffe waitress was fine, because her head was so high, she had plenty of oxygen, but my small blue elephant friend started to not look so well, and a few of the other customers had started to pass out, so the manager had to throw the young woman out. It was a shame though, she looked very sad and she probably didn’t know that someone had drawn all over her face with magic markers.

At this point, my mom burst in and told me that it wasn’t healthy to sit in closets, to turn that god-blasted music down, and to let some light into my room because it looked like a crypt. I was listening to Pearl Jam, and I was eating toast with jelly. My mom was getting ready to go out; she had on a pearl necklace. Jelly is almost like jam, it might even be a kind of jam. I don’t remember. But I laughed at this. It was pretty funny, no?

Anyway, I never got to tip the waitress because my mom took me to go to the orthodontist, which is ridiculous because I got my braces off 9 months ago.

Chapter Four

Nota: Upon revisiting this in a moment of rationality, I have concluded that it makes no sense, and that I'm a fucking looney. Enjoy!

So at the moment I am completely exhausted. I mean completely exhausted. Every few moments, my eyes lose focus and the room starts flickering and swirling. At the same time, it feels like someone is sticking a knife into the side of my head. After a moment of this, I can refocus my eyes and the knife feeling fades away. Repeat ad infinitum. Anyway, I thought this would be a great time for some reflection. No? Too bad. I’m going to examine truth and deciet.

So let’s start with the presumption that there is no truth. It might be a little bit of a corruption (ok, a lot) but you could work with the principle of quantum theory - there is no way to predict or to know absolutely, you can only get probabilities for predictions of whatever. Let’s break that down again. You can’t have absolutes in the future, you can only have probabilities, high in some cases and low in others. But that doesn’t mean a low probability can’t happen, just that it usually doesn’t. So in looking at the future, there is no truth. The whole business of probability - well, this is probably going to happen, lends itself very well to deceit. Deceit can be all about half-truths, saying, maybe that’s the way it happened.

Onto the present. You can actually rule out the present. There’s no such thing really, as soon as you notice that the “present” is happening, it’s too late and it’s already the past. If you try to prepare for it and catch it before it happens, that’s no good either because it’s the future. So no present, only a future versus past wall-thingy in my semi-coherent imagination.

So the problem is the past. How can you apply quantum theory and probability to the past. The past has already happened, so you can’t argue about things happening, but I bet you can argue about why they happened. If I walked my dog at three o’clock, (o’clock is such a funny word) if I walked my dog at fifteen hundred hours, then there’s no real probability. The probability that I walked my dog is 100%, because it happened, and so there’s no chance of my not walking my dog at fifteen hundred hours on that day. If there are no observers to a situation in the past - pardon my spaghetti brain and having no order - then you can easily call upon Schrodinger's cat, and wala, chance and unknowablity and stuff and so deceit is part of the law, not because it’s encouraged or enforced, but because it’s not discouraged. Anyway, back onto my pseudo-track, you can argue probability about why things happened in the past. And the great thing about why is that it starts moving into a grey zone. With physics, you can tell pretty well why something happened, so there’s truth there. Next, you can probably tell why stuff happens in chemistry and even biology. Keep moving up and you keep moving into the grey zone. Let’s call chaos theory just for good measure. Move into psychology - which is what I’m interested because the antithesis of my truth is deceit - and you start to have too many parts and gizmos and causes and effects zipping around and causing and effecting other things and you have absolutely no idea what’s going on anymore. Even if you are good enough to tell what is happening one chaos theory is involved, try telling me why it happened and I'm sure I can look at the same ink splot and come up with 15 different stories. So deceit is allowed in matters about the past because the why aspect of things can (almost (for good measure) ) never be determined. Deceit in aspects of the past then has to be clever because if you untruth a fact that happened, that’s wrong, but if you only stretch a reason for why that thing happened, there’s nothing “wrong.“

And so ha, I have justified deceit in a delusional haze. Live long and prosper!